One Mans Quest For "Normal".

Wow what is normal, I remember thinking what would life be like if I was born to different parents, not the son of an alchoholic, manic depressive, sexually abusive pediphile Father, and a religious mother that used her religion to hide from her problems. Oh how my life would be differnt if I didnt wet the bed every night until I was 12. Normal kids didnt have to use plastic sheets on there bed, normal kids didnt get spanked every morning because they did wet the bed. Wow.....I have done so many things wrong in my life to deal with the pain of growing up in this kind of home, wanting so bad to fit in with normal kids from normal families. I didnt realize that most people didnt live in Leave it to Beaver like houses either, but not every body grew up in constant fear like I did. I am writing this blog because I want to put into words the feelings that I have, experiences that I had that have brought me to this place that I am in my life now. I am 35 Years old, the father of 3, in my second marriage, unemployed, a worship leader at my local church, and I live almost everyday with a stomach turning dread that starts when I wake up, and sometimes goes away by mid morning, but sometimes doesnt. For the longest time, I was able to not feel anything, I was a successful sales person, in various industries, in a band, enjoyed going to open mic's at local coffee sh0ps, always puttig on a happy face, I didnt want to let on that I wasnt just another happy go lucky posative guy. I even post posative video's on my Face Book page from Jeoffrey Gittomer. The truth is that I am still trying to find a way to live a normal life, when I still really havent gotten over all of the pain that I still have inside of me. I have had moments when I have just cried uncontrollably, in a kind of loud animalistic moan, you may be able to imagine a 230 lb 6'o Man just crying like a wounded animal, yeah I wish many days that I could feel that pain, but instead I am often cold, distant, and put on a facade with people from church, people at the local stores, and definately with my kids. I dont want them to know the suffering I feel inside, the shame of growing up the way I did, and the fear that I live with everyday. I cant help but wonder, how my life would be different if my mom had just gotten us the hell out of there, protected us from that monster. I know that I want nothing but a happy life for my kids, and I dont want them to grow up the way I did. I am writing this Blog, to get it all out tell my story, and hopefully give some other big tough guys like me out there something, and someone to relate to. And maybe together we can create a life without all of the crippling fear, and loneliness that comes with keeping it all inside.